Sunday, January 13, 2008

Friday, November 02, 2007

The QUEERS of COMEDY Benefit Show


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting






RESERVE NOW! This show is selling out fast. There will be tons of FLAWLESS and I mean FLAWLESS giveaways.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Take A Hike!

Do not ask me to go hiking. I hate it. I don't understand why anyone on this Earth would purposely don ugly heavy boots, a bulky backpack and just walk...uphill. Where is the logic? I cannot tell you how many of my friends call me on a regular basis to ask if I want to 'do Runyon.' For those of you not in Los Angeles this phrase refers to Runyon Canyon.

Runyon Canyon is three different walking trails in the hills of Hollywood with beautiful views, lovely foliage and even a Frank Lloyd Wright house along the way. At least that's how it was described to me the first time I was asked to hike it. All this was true but what was left out was the fact that it takes at least 60 minutes to hike it and it's on a 45 degree incline. Frank Lloyd Wright should have designed a critical care unit at the end; my fellow hikers had to put me in traction when I arrived. Forget the fact that I couldn't breath, I was seeing spots in front of my face not the changing of the leaves. As my friends were screaming at me to look at the view, I was screaming for oxygen.

"Fuck the view," I said. "Are you kidding me with this. What's the point? Is there a cocktail lounge up here?"

I just can't figure out why one needs to hike or walk with no destination. You might say, Teddy the destination is the view. Or the destination is the fact that I am doing a great thing for my body. Whatever. My idea of hiking is completely different.

I remember when I desperately needed a new pair of Christian Dior sunglasses. (Mine were white and we were well into September and I was still sporting them...oh the shame) My friend needed to check out the new duffle bag with wheels at Louis Vuitton, so off to Rodeo Drive we went. Imagine how pissed we were when there was no parking and we had to park a block away and 'hike' to Rodeo. Imagine our horror when, unbeknownst to us, they moved Louis Vuitton to the opposite end of Rodeo, you know, near Chanel. Once again we had to 'hike' from one store to the next. Then when feeling peckish, 'hike' all the way to Kate Mandolini's for lunch. You see, this kind of hiking has a purpose, an end result. Can one finish Runyon with a pair of champagne colored Dior's?

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

If you have the power...

Please stop sending me comments on MySpace about how to get a Macy's card. If you really knew me you would know that I hate Macy's. I'd think twice about a Barney's card, but Macy's...Hell no.

Please stop sending me reminders about your party through Evites. I received the first one, I replied to it (in a witty manner I might add, which from me doesn't usually come for free) and that should be the end of it. I don't need them cluttering up my inbox over and over again for the same lame ass party.

Please stop complaining if you get a 'mass' email or a 'mass' text. I am a performer, this is how I alert people about my show. If you don't get a personal invitation, it means I don't really know you or I don't care to know you.

Please get rid of that blonde girl on MySpace from match.com with the gnarly skin and the big 80's earrings. I don't want to see her face again. I don't want to join match.com. Even if I did and was straight she'd be the last ho I'd want.

Pleaase stop texting me when you're drunk. Your T9 or predictive text cannot predict that your sloshed ass is in front of some bar trying to tell me you love me only for me to read it as..i 'i loud wou.' And p.s....you don't love me.

I said Please.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

The FISH -- Promo




This is the trailer for the sitcom/reality/drama of a train wreck I've been filming.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

The Devil wears Costco




I awoke very early to get to Costco before the crowds. Not early enough apparently. You see, the zoo-like creatures that line up in front of Costco before they open are the same folks that line up in front of CBS Studios and wait for fifteen hours just to be asked to come on down and be the next contestant on 'The Price is Right.'

I've included the shopping list of the person who had the cart before I did. I eyed her list and laughed. It exemplifies a Costco shopper. On her weekly inspirational paper, Ms. Costco managed to scribble down the very important items that she had to purchase from Costco and get there at an ungodly hour to buy them. Her misspelling of 'kielbasa' only hits my point home harder. She was probably in a rush trying to shove her enormous belly into her black biker shorts. Or maybe as she was buttoning up her chambray shirt with no sleeves and didn't have time to double check the spelling. Perhaps she was too busy putting her pack of Marlboro Ultra-Lights into her waist pouch tied tightly around what used to be her waist.

What was she going to make? I can only assume from the list, it was going to be a polish sausage & spinach quiche...for five hundred, for you can only buy things in bulk at Costco. So her list, translated from supermarket lingo to Costco jargon really read as follows: 250 eggs, 1 case of iceberg lettuce, 20 pounds of spinach & a 50 pack box of Hilshire Farms smoked Pol ska Kielbasa. Perhaps her church was having a pot luck. Maybe it was her turn to cook for the Polish club bingo on Thursday evening at the Knights of Columbus.

One has no sense of scale in Costco. Everything is huge so it all looks relative...until you get home. I have in my refrigerator as I write this the Heinz Bar-B-Q pack of ketchup, mustard & relish in the squeeze bottles. I have purchased this in the past at my local supermarket. I love mustard and relish on my hot dogs, I love to make my own tartar sauce with mayo & relish (and p.s. just a touch of cornichons.) Oh how I love tartar sauce. I would eat anything if it had tartar sauce on it. Christ, I'd eat pussy if it had tartar sauce on it, but I'm getting off track. When I arrived home and unpacked my value buy, it didn't fit in my fridge for it was giant. Enormous. Ginormous. It looked like the same three pack I normally buy, only at Costco it was supa dupa sized.

Why do I need 1750 Aleve gel tabs? I'll never use them up in my lifetime. Where does one store an 85 pack of Mach 3 razors? The jar of Hidden Valley ranch dressing doesn't fit in my pantry, and honey I've got a big pantry. In my will, I'll have to bequeath the 2500 packs of Ricola natural cough drops to my niece.

"And to my nephews, I leave the 45,000 boneless skinless chicken breasts that are in my freezer."

This is all so ridiculous. I hate Costco. I don't want to shop where I can buy a 76" flat screen plasma television, Lancome Renergie Lift face creme, Lladro figurines, a casket for my funeral & digital photos developed in an hour. Oh...and don't forget to order your pizza from the red phones while waiting in line.